For the month of April I wanted to give myself a new writing challenge as the last time was back in 2019 with my series “The Kinks in Me” which so many of you enjoyed. This time around I wanted to focus on D/s dynamics, and so it was finally time to venture into Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s programme which has been done in the past by some amazing fetish writers such as Floss Does Life and Coffee and Kink.
If you have been a reader of mine for some time then you know that I am not one for daily or even weekly blogging, so obviously I will be doing this challenge as and when the mood suits and I will only delve into the questions that call me the most. And as with all my posts, these are my thoughts on the topic – you will certainly have your own opinion and that is alright – diversity is what keeps this world interesting and what floats my boat could sink yours and vice versa. 🙂
So without further ado, lets delve into Day 1.
What Does Dominance Mean to Me? What does dominance in a relationship mean to you? What traits will a Dominant have? How should a Dominant behave?
When I think about the word ‘Dominance’, a few words come to mind:
- Firstly, I think of Leadership. To be a Dominant is to be a Leader – which is why it is almost impossible to pinpoint what exactly makes a good Dom, because effectively you are asking what makes a great Leader and the answer to that is complex and diverse. In essence, Dominance is the ability to influence and direct others into achieving a certain goal. One of the differences (because they are so many!) between DoucheDoms (yup, that’s how I call them) and true Doms is the end objective. DoucheDoms are self centered and their only goal is to ensure their sub do as they wish for their own benefit. A real Dominant will use their influence to ensure their sub is satisfied, happy and working on becoming the best version on themselves.
It has been a while since I’ve been in a D/s relationship, but when I did, my goal was to ensure I was able to help my sub into achieving his goals. During my last D/s relationship, my sub had a list of goals he wanted to achieve – these ranged from gaining muscle to achieving a promotion. As his Dominant, my role was to ensure he worked towards these goals. My satisfaction came from seeing his hard work pay off.
- This lead to my next point, Responsibility. I take Dominance very seriously, and that is because it is a huge responsibility. A person has entrusted you with their wellbeing. You are the person they go to for guidance, reassurance and support. You have the responsibility to make choices that affect their life whether it is on an emotional, physical or financial level (depending on the level of D/s in the relationship). A sub, by nature, struggles to make decisions on their own, and so this ‘burden’ is carried by the Dom. I chose to put that word in quotation because Dominance can be hard, this isn’t for everyone, specially if we do this as a lifestyle. This is why DoucheDoms are so damn dangerous – they don’t see Dominance as a role of responsibility – they see it as a way to get what they want without caring for the consequences.
- Dominance also means being Self- aware. Being a Dominant doesn’t mean we are perfect beings – quite the contrary. We are human after all so we are bound to make mistakes. The key is to admit when we make mistakes and to learn from them. From scenes gone bad, to not communicating effectively, being aware of how we are acting is key to being a good Dominant. I have definitely made my fair share of mistakes but every mishap has been an opportunity to learn from and to ensure that in the future, I make less mistakes and the ones I do make, are of less gravity.
- There are so many other words that come to mind when I think of Dominance, but the most important is Communication. Communication is one of the core principles in BDSM, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise here. Good Dominance can only be achieved if we are good communicators, and that for me also means being a good listener which is certainly a forgotten artform. From experience, subs can have a tough time communicating their needs and desires, specially if they are new to the scene or are still carrying shame for what they like/want. Listening in this case is not just about verbal clues but also about non-verbal communications; learning about their mannerism and how they react to certain scenarios can sometimes offer more insight than words alone.
As you can tell, I can talk about Dominance for hours. There is so much to discuss and understand and even after all these years, I always find ways to improve my Dominance style but also what traits I look for in a Dom (the joys of being a switch). The important thing to remember is that a good Dominant, at its core, will only have your best interest at heart.
I would love to hear your thoughts on Dominance – as this is such a fascinating topic.