Ahh Valentine’s Day – the capitalist ‘holiday’ where love is measured by a box from Hotel Chocolat with some over inflated red roses thrown in for good measure. Yes, you got it right – I don’t like/get the point of Valentine’s day. I guess you could say that years working in the fine jewellery industry makes you loathe February 14th (except for the extra commission, that was always welcomed!). Working in a industry that profits from ‘love’, it made you realise how rare loving relationship truly are. Honestly, one day I will need to share some of the stories of the people I met (it will make you laugh!) Obviously, that is not to say that loving relationships don’t exist because that is not true either. I have been privileged to design jewellery for some really loving and amazing couples, but it is only human to remember the bad more than the good.
Anyway, that is not how I was planning to start this post but it is midnight on a Saturday night, lockdown is still in full force and my brain no longer things straight (did it ever?). This is also my first Valentine’s where I am not really single, but also not really with someone. I guess the only way I could describe it is that my status these days is more of a formality rather than an actual representation of my situation/feelings/emotions. I am someone who likes things to be crystal clear, at least when it comes to relationships. So being in limbo, or so to speak, is really quite the challenge but I guess this world of ours *waves arm around her* has lead to some unexpected situations.
In previous years, this day would have actually been pleasant, and actually enjoyable. If I was working, then I would rejoice coming home and telling my partner about the hedge fund manager who spent twice as much on his mistress than on his wife, or the poor lad who bought something for his love, only for her to call us wanting to return it for cash (I am hoping you are beginning to understand where my despite comes from) this would be followed by a nice dinner being prepared for me, the opening of small gifts, and ending the night with some naughty fun. I guess my Valentine’s was no different from most couples, really.
This year, as this will not be the case, it made me fantasize about what my ideal ‘date’ or ‘fantasy’ would be. Which led to some serious thinking. You see, I am a pleaser at heart – an overly empathetic, sensitive soul. In simpler terms, I am always absorbed into making my partner happy/comfortable, to the point where I rarely think, never mind vocalize, what it is that I really want. A terrible flaw, I know – and unfortunately one that made its way into my BDSM journey. In a way, it explains why I have had such a hard times with brats, because in a way, I am jealous of their abilities to moan and complain continuously until they get what they desire (I am aware that not all brats are like that – I am referring to the ones I have met/know).
So, what would my perfect fantasy be like?
In many ways, my fantasy would be any of the scenes I have done as a femdom but in reverse – so for me to be the submissive, and have someone be in control and charge of me. I am definitely a switch at heart, but for the majority of my BDSM journey I found myself more in femdom roles than in anything else. And don’t get me wrong, I adore being in control and have someone worship me. The responsibility and trust that my submissives and bottoms grant me is something that I cherish and hold dear to my heart. But I am also quite a strong headed person outside of kink, and that can be exhausting, to say the least. What I would love the most, is for someone to take the reigns and lead. In a nutshell – don’t ask, do.
I have always wanted to have a scene where my partner would come home and decisively take me and make me his. To tear my clothes, while pressing his body and weight upon mine – to own, control and use this body of mine as he wishes. In fetish terms, I would love sensory deprivation, topped with some orgasm denial type of scene. Oh, and some form of DDLG aftercare would be the absolute cherry on top.
I guess my fantasy seems rather simple, and trust me, I know that, but the truth is, I have never been with someone who was happy to take the lead or felt comfortable enough to take it to the level and intensity I want and desire. In my past relationship, it was more the fact that I never really vocalised my needs. I felt too ashamed for admitting that I wanted to be taken, full force, almost into CNC territory (this was before I discovered BDSM and what CNC) and in my current relationship, I am with someone who is a gentleman in more ways than one. So you see, it is either wrong timing, or just incompatibility. But that is how life works – a series of near chances with a few near misses thrown in for good measure.
As the world continues to be in some sort of pause, I will savour my fantasies in the comforts on my imagination, until the time comes where we can all go out and plan some very much needed debauchery. This pandemic has made me realise how precious and short our time on this Earth truly is – and the importance to speak up and to put our wants and desires right at the top of our priorities.
Until Next Time x