The unexpected happened last weekend.
You know all that talk about me not wanting to be in the receiving end of impact play anymore? Well, it seems I am a true Gemini after all because that is exactly what happened last Friday. I guess I should explain, shouldn’t I?
On Friday we went to ‘Mischief in March’ which is an event ran by, you guessed it, Mistress Absolute, which claimed to be similar to Subversion [review on the night later this week], so I told my OH to bring a few toys in case he had the chance to play with someone. At no point I was thinking that I would be that someone, as I was still not planning on visiting the spanking bench anytime soon.
We went to the event with a few friends, and we were chatting, drinking prosecco and eyeing all the BDSM furniture in store [which were a few!] and just doing the social thing like we always do. Before we knew it, all our filthy friends were busy having fun, and my OH softly said ‘why don’t we it give it a go, something gentle?‘ I must admit that my first thought was to run away in panic and hide in the latex room, but then I composed myself and thought on ways we could make it work. ‘It needs to be in private‘ – was my answer. So off we went to a small room at the back, where the swing bed took center stage. He tied the swing’s chain around the post to ensure it didn’t swing anymore and I assumed the position.
We were both quite nervous considering the history we have had with this kink, but my OH was a real angel, taking a long time to warm me up and only using my suede flogger which is the most gentle we have. In short, it was a really good scene and I could see how much it meant to him that we were able to return to his favourite kink, even if it was in a much more calm/restrained manner.
Back at the main room, we were back to socialising but my mind was elsewhere. There was a lot of play around me, and mostly it was impact play as it always is at events like this. However, this time I was so conscious about how these scenes were a lot more hardcore than what I had just experienced. I remember being one of them not too long ago – subconsciously wanting to put a good show. ‘Look how much pain I can take.’ ‘I am the best bottom out there, look, I am not even flinching!’ Thoughts like these would creep up whenever we used to play in public, and now I was feeling ashamed. Ashamed because I don’t want people to see how ‘weak’ I have become. Pardon my french, but I simply didn’t want others thinking I’ve become a ‘pussy’ when it comes to pain.
Silly, isn’t it?
BDSM is supposed to be welcoming, and in many ways it is. It is a community based on trust and openness. No kink is shamed, no person is unwelcome. Everyone is on their own journey, there is no right and wrong. And yet, there is a feeling of ‘showing off’. Whether it is a top showing off their flogging skills, or a bottom taking 50 canes straight – we are here to prove a point.
And my question is this – am I the only one who feels this way?
Even when I am topping someone – I feel like I should not only ensure I have the perfect scene, but I almost feel like I am some sort of Circus Master. Let me entertain you!
And then comes the irony. I am something of an exhibitionist, so playing in public does fill me with joy and ecstasy. Could it be possible to feel exhilaration and dread at the same time? To rejoice at knowing people’s eyes are on me, while feeling the pressure of not messing up? Where does the balance lie, if any?
Maybe I am overthinking this – actually quite possibly I am, but then that is me. I am an over thinker. But if I am going to continue on this path of re-discovering impact play, I don’t want it to be only within the confines of my own house, or hidden away in some dark corner in a dungeon. I want to feel proud in my own journey, even it if has meant taking quite a few steps back and starting all over.
I know what the answer is. I shouldn’t give a damn f*ck really [what is it with my language these days?!?] about what others think, and I should give myself some more credit when its due. I may still feel like an outsider of the scene, but that is by choice. I should stop punishing me so harsh when I am acting as I should be. I should remind myself that this, at the end of the day, is suppose to be fun.
And if you have ever felt this way, or are feeling like this now, this also goes to you. You don’t have to be a ‘hard bottom’ to be part of this community, or to feel like you belong. Know your limits and rejoice in them. I will do the same x