So it’s a Sunday morning, I have a cup of Lady Grey in my hands (if you have not tried it yet, and you are tea obsessed like me, you must give it a go), and I am recalling in my head all the small actions that led to this decision.
It has been very well documented in this blog of mine how much I have struggled with receiving impact play. It is not as easy as saying “I hate it” and leaving it as that, because part of me always wanted to like it – and in a very few instances I have. My relationship with pain is a strange one, as I hate it in every possible way but I like the feeling of euphoria I get after its – a bit like working out.
However, during the last few scenes, the struggles have been more apparent, and whatever joy I was feeling before, it has completely left the building.
My hesitation to let this kink go is something I have shared with some friends, and many have been able to share the same sentiment – hence why I am writing about it now. I think is it important to not only write about all the wonderful things about the scene, but also about the struggles. It is a journey, after all.
The struggle to let this kink go revolves mainly about my relation with my OH. This is his main kink, and the one he has been into since the very start. It is also the most common at events, and removing it will naturally mean less to no play at events. That obviously sucks. Then there is that tiny voice in my head that says I have failed, that I have not tried hard enough – that I am not a good submissive. Those thoughts cause the most pain, because they are self-inflicted. It is also interesting that the more impact play I do as a Top, the more it became evident that being the bottom did not suit me. I enjoy the skill of using a flogging correctly, and the chemistry I can build with the bottom. I love being the responsible one, and the one leading the scene. At my last scene, I got a rush of adrenaline and I completely forgot about my surroundings – all I was focusing on was on the bottom and the connection I was building – whatever was happening around me became a blur. Whereas when I am the one at the bottom, all I am trying to do is work through the pain. And that is not the point of the scene.
I have to remember that just because one kink did not work for me, the rest will not follow the same suit. I have to focus on the good stuff, and there is so much of that!
I love needles, I adore them! That is when the room and my body are warm – otherwise they hurt like a b*tch. And my OH is so good with them – gentle and very creative. We have hundreds of different needles, so enough supply to keep us going for at least a year. And candles – I have started making my own and my OH is such a good sport and enjoys being able to lie down and enjoy the sensation. Then there is our beloved violet wand, which allows us both to be on the receiving end. There is so many other things I want to try as well, and I will not let this one small kink get in the way of all the fun.
Who knows, maybe one day in the future I will revisit it with a fresh set of eyes, and I may find a way that works for me. For now, my BDSM journey is taking me into different directions and I must do what feels natural to me.
So, if you ever felt ashamed of not being good enough – in kink or in life – do not let those thoughts get the better of you. It is better to have tried and failed than never have tried at all. Life is about trying what works and what doesn’t, and if someone ever shames you for failing, then you should definitely let them go. There are a million fetishes out there to please everyone.
Sometimes is okay to give up.