I am not one for sticking to routines, whether it is at work, in life or in BDSM, I like variety and to keep things exciting and fresh. I guess this is one of the reasons I have so many fetishes – otherwise I bound to get bored.
A few months ago I was tantilising with the idea of pushing my body and mind to new limits. I was thinking of doing this whilst in the role of the submissive (as I am Switch), and in particular, I had impact play in mind. If you read my blog about it, then you would remember how I particular struggle as a bottom with this fetish, but I am not one to give up (I only give up if I really dislike a certain thing, like caning).
The reason I am writing about this experience is because I am sure a lot of us have come to this point in their BDSM journey where they just want to see how far the could go – in simpler terms, to push boundaries.
The first thing I did, which is what I think anyone in this frame of mind should do, is to really think about what is it that they want to do and most importantly, why. For me it was to be flogged in a much heavier and longer pace than usual. The why is a bit trickier to explain, but I shall try it my best. Quite a while ago, after a heavier scene than usual, I experienced the sort of subspace that I don’t usually get, and this was followed by the type of subdrop I also never usually get. A part of my brain was left unlocked and all these emotions and vulnerability just ran out of me like never before. To be frank, it freaked me out, so I didn’t handle it the best way I should have. Quite a long time has passed since then, and now I am better prepared to deal with the emotional release – and if anything, I want to welcome it again, so that I can fully experience it.
What followed from there is the negotiation with my OH. For my OH and me, this was a lengthy conversation by our standards as we don’t usually negotiate for long for normal scenes as we are pretty in tune with each other and we happily communicate during play as well. However, this was different – and this had implications for him too. I think a lot of the time subs/bottoms assume that doms/tops would do anything they are asked to do, and this is far from the truth. They need to understand the reasoning behind it and they need to be able to trust your judgement. In my case, the word ‘Stop’ for me has always meant just that – the scene must stop. However, on this occasion I was going to have a different safeword. This worried him, and with reason too – he was afraid that he was going to actually hurt me. This is when discussions about the set up, the communication (whether verbal or non-verbal), tools involved, duration and aftercare was carefully planned.
The Scene. I am not going to go into details of the actual scene because that is something private between my him and me. What I will comment on, are on the few things that surprised me the most:
~ A really long warm up is really undermined in BDSM – spending 20 or even 30 min on a warm up does wonders on how heavy and long a scene can go for.
~ My emotional release did not occur until the very end of the scene – It made me realise I need a long warm up followed by a extremely heavy scene for me to get there. I am not one for scaling up the pain – I need to go from 0 to 100 .
~ The effect the scene had on my dom was something I did not expect – his hesitation in hurting me was endearing but also made me realise how important it is to look after your dom after a scene.
~ Just because you have succesfully had a heavy scene does not mean this is the new ‘normal’. It is perfectly fine to go there and then return to your safety zone.
After the scene, we had our usual after care routine, which was of course longer than usual on this occasion. We were both emotionally and physically shattered and all we wanted was cuddles and some nice food. The following days we really took the time to be with each other to ensure that any sub or dom drops were dealt with.
I must say that, looking back, I am so glad I decided to push my boundaries. It bought my OH and I closer, and it taught me a great deal about how my body and mind works. I do think that the key for success is preparation, and if on the day something doesn’t seem right, then don’t force it. Our bodies and minds work differently each day, and we just need everything to align for it to work well.
Looking forward, I am contemplating the possibility of being flogged by someone else. Mainly is because the only person I have let that to happen is with my OH, and I do want to experience what it would be like to be flogged by someone who I am not romantically involved with. This is harder said than done, as finding the right person is quite the battle in itself but I have time and patience on my side.