{The Kinks in Me} Being a Little

I thought the best way to kick start this series is by starting at the very beginning – my first ‘kink’ sort of speak, and that is being ‘a Little’.

In over simplified terms, being a little is a BDSM power dynamic in where the little behaves in a child or childish manner. If this term is new to you, then I would suggest you head here for a full in-depth view on the subject.

This post is by no mean to be taken as advice, as looking back I can see many red flags when it came to past relationships I’ve had. This is simply my honest recollection about my experience with this kink. I am not, and never have been a 24/7 little, so this is just my personal journey. Yours will be differently and that is beauty of BDSM; everyone’s journey is different, and as long as it is with consent and is safe, then there is no right or wrong.

Growing up I had a normal childhood – it was far from perfect but I had really good times. I was lucky to have both my parents around until I was 12 (they divorced and I moved countries) and as an only kid, I received a lot of attention. My nuclear familiar was very traditional – my mum was mainly a stay at home mum while my dad worked as a mechanical engineer. My dad was the typical Spanish man; head strong and stubborn but with a hear of gold – and he adored me. Fast forward to when I was 16, I was living on my own in Camden after a short spell of homelessness, working two full time jobs, while studying at night. I was basically on my own. Things back then were moving at 100 miles an hour; one day I had it all- the next I was struggling to put food on the table. My mind didn’t have the time needed to process such a drastic change, whilst dealing with puberty and the chaos that that brings. I felt like I was drowning and I was gasping for air.

My child-like behaviour started soon after, when I was around 17 years old (I was sexually active by this time). This behaviour was triggered when I first started dating my first ‘older’ boyfriend. Before him I was dating guys my age who would attend the same college or parties like me, but even then I struggled to connect with them. They were all living with their parents and had so many privileges, that I felt uneasy and to be honest, a bit jealous of them. The older guy was 6 years my senior, already graduated with a nice job and living alone. I felt he was more in par with me as we both understood the struggles of being independent and we had similar priorities. As an older guy, he was also more on the protective side of things and that behaviour kicked start something inside my brain.

The first signs were very subtle – it started with me talking every now and then in a child-like manner, it then evolved into dressing in Disney jumpers and having my hair in pony tails or braids (only inside the house). I would then ask my boyfriend to ‘tuck me into bed and read me a story’. It was a very slow but steady progression, until one day I asked him to feed me and that was (I can only guess) the last straw for him. He sat me down for a chat and said my behaviour was irrational and I should seek counselling (mind you, by then he was emotional abusive which is an entire different story). He said I had ‘Daddy’ issues and I must be mad. I was heartbroken. Knowing what I know about littles now, I understand many do pick up this mindset as a result of having experienced complex relationships with their fathers (who hasn’t though?) but I never felt that way about my situation. I never called my then-boyfriend daddy or anything of the sort because in my head those names are linked to my actual father and can’t separate the two. For me incest is not a kink, so I have never felt comfortable using those terms. Anyways, that conversation traumatised me for a long time (I think up to this day still haunts me a bit) so I stopped it all overnight. Mind you, I was only 17 and still discovering my own sexuality which didn’t help this situation at all. Deep down I didn’t think I needed to seek any ‘advice’ because my behaviour and actions were perfectly normal for me and I wasn’t harming anyone so I couldn’t understand his negative reaction. There was nothing sexual going through my mind when I was in that mindset, so I didn’t see what was so bad. However, I still decided to put everything on halt.

Years later, when I was with my long-term partner, I went through a very stressful time and I started to behave as a child once again, unconsciously this time, as a coping mechanism. I started to dress up as a child again, and I would play children’s games on the PlayStation, or spend hours speaking in a child like voice or doing crafts with papier-mache. My ex noticed and ‘had a chat’ with me. Mind you, he wasn’t abusive or nowhere near me destructive as my first ex, but he just didn’t quite understand it so he couldn’t react in the way I wanted him to (even though at the time I still didn’t know what BDSM was, or what reaction I was after). I felt that the easiest thing was to nip it in the bud once again and move on.

It wasn’t until I was around 24/25 and fresh into the BDSM scene that I finally began to understand my kink. I still remember that feeling of walking into Club Decadence and seeing so many littles. Looking back, I am sure they were surprised to see me practically stalking them and asking them so many questions (and I am so lucky they were so nice and supportive!) This was a real eye opener. This was the same night I met a lovely Dom who took me under his wind, and under his guidance I was able to finally accept who I was, what I liked, and at last, to freely act on this kink in any way I pleased. During the months I was under his guidance, I was able to fully immerse as a little, whilst he was the ever so kind, supportive and adaptable ‘daddy’ I needed. He understood my inability to call him by that name (so we decided to have a nickname for him instead) and he was able to also put me in contact with other similar littles so I could share my experiences and feelings. Looking back, I am extremely grateful for his support, as thanks to him and the other littles I met, I was finally breaking free from the people that were simply not good for me.

It is hard to pint point exactly what it is that I enjoy about being a little, specially now as I don’t really delve into it as much as I used to. But these things I do know; being in that frame of mind allowed me to switch off and de-stress. It allowed my brain to rest, to not think about whether I could pay rent that month or whether I could take another one of my boss’ screaming fits at me the next day. I could forget my responsibilities and have someone take that burden off me. Dressing up as someone younger also made me feel extremely attractive and adored. I am attracted to strong (physically and emotionally) older men, and being around them instantly makes me feel small and delicate, like a flower. My relationship with my father was one where he was the King of the house, and I was the little princess. People say that more often than not you end up marrying your father, and whereas that thought freaks me out a bit, I can also understand it. I find comfort in finding men with common traits. As adults I also feel we often reminisce about our youth and how back then we thought our problems were the end of the world (I remember when my best friend stopped talking to me one day and I thought my days would be over and i’ll be alone forever – oh my!) Being a little in my adult life allowed me to truly enjoy those emotions of being a child, in a way I was never able to do it back then. Being a little also means being involved in a power dynamic relationship – it is one where you give up control and hand your well-being to your Dom/daddy. Being someone who doesn’t submit naturally, this mindset offered me the right balance between submission and release. On a more physical aspect, nothing turns me on more than a man in a suit and me dressed as a little girl. Perverted? Yes, but you should know that by now!

I mentioned above that this was my first fetish, but one I no longer really practice. You may wonder why. Writing this post is also making me question the same thing. To be honest, I don’t think the answer is as straight forward. This year has been one of exploration as well as one where I am finally dealing with a lot of inner demons, so I feel like I can’t ‘hide’ behind this mindset every time something goes wrong. I want to enjoy this kink in the same way I did when I first got the chance to. Also, I have so many other fetishes and not enough time!

So there you go, now you know my first ever kink 🙂 I hope this made sense, as with most things in BDSM, nothing is ever simple or straight-forward. If you are a little, I would love to hear your journey so far.

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